When being trained as a speaker for public audiences, I had a coach who never pointed out my faults when I rehearsed. She always focused on what I did well and encouraged me to do better. I was distressed about this approach at first because I wanted to know my mistakes and what I was doing wrong. But she refused to change her method. She constantly focused on my strengths and successes.
One time I observed another coach rip into a trainee with a list of errors she made along with corrections to make in her style and presentation. The trainee was crushed. She felt like a failure. She wanted to give up before she embarrassed herself again. She cried in the backroom afterward.
I suddenly gained an immense appreciation for the technique of my coach. My teacher knew that listing out errors and shortcomings demoralizes students and destroys their confidence. She knew that focusing on strengths and abilities builds confidence and increases success.
Lesson learned—an effective way to heal faults in other’s performance is to focus on what they do well. The love they feel from their supportive mentor inspires them to do better and grow out of their weaknesses.
Strong relationships are built in much the same way.
Have you ever been tempted to point out someone else’s faults? Let him or her know what they do wrong and why you don’t like it?
Does it help? Does it quickly harmonize the relationship? Not usually.
Honesty and forthrightness are certainly necessary for open communication, but what we are honest about makes all the difference.
God made each of us loving and lovable. It might not always look that way, but it depends upon our perspective. If we look at our partner through the eyes of error, we see faults. If we look at them through the eyes of Love, we see qualities to love.
There’s a saying: Building relationships is like living in California: don’t dwell on the faults!
Alan Cohen writes more about this in his article “The Addict and the Sage.”
What happens to a structure set over a fault?
When an earthquake hits, it falls through the crack.
We don’t have to dwell on other people’s faults. It’s more constructive to dwell on the spiritual truth about them and rejoice in what they do well.
God made your friend, student, spouse or co-worker perfect in Love. As you look at him or her through the lens of Love you’ll see more of the good God put there in the first place. The more you see the positive, and work with them from the point of their worthiness, the shortcomings fall away or become a non-factor.
When “reviewing” other people’s behavior in my mind, I think back to the approach of my favorite coach. I strive to focus on the good. Build up the good. Point out the strengths and successes.
We can trust the Mind of Christ to help our friend or family member figure out the rest, and leave us to still be their trusted confidant in the end.
“When speaking of God’s children, not the children of men, Jesus said, “The kingdom of God is within you;” that is, Truth and Love reign in the real The kingdom man, showing that man in God’s image is within unfallen and eternal. Jesus beheld in Science the perfect man, who appeared to him where sinning mortal man appears to mortals. In this perfect man the Saviour saw God’s own likeness, and this correct view of man healed the sick.” Mary Baker Eddy
This is so true and I had an experience two nights ago that really speaks to it.
My husband and I spoke about an issue that we have both struggled with over the years – something we have very different opinions about. We’ve never yet come to a middle ground on it.
Afterward I found myself complaining about his views w/a friend in an email. But in effect all I was doing was critisizing my husband big time! When I reread the email before sending it I was shocked! Needless to say I deleted it and instead began to look at the good qualities my husband expresses and ‘think on those things’.
I went to bed that night sooo grateful that I hadn’t magnified the error (and made it very ‘real’ in my email friend’s eyes as well) but rather turned away from it and magnified the good. Needless to say the next day I had a heart full of gratitude and love for my husband and we had a great day together!
The above is a good example of how dwelling on the good in another keeps us in harmony with them. We can let go of the rest and trust it to God’s care.
Evan – I love what you’ve written here, yet, MBE does say something like the following …”it takes the spirit of our blessed Master to tell a man his faults and so risk human displeasure for the sake of doing right.” How do you make the distinction?
Anonymous,
Yes, you are right. There are times when we have to point out areas to improve, but I believe in the “spirit of our blessed Master” there is a compassionate way to do it that doesn’t make the other person feel degraded or condemned. And that’s probably the important part–HOW the correcting is done.
When the group of men wanted to stone the adulterous woman, Jesus refused to get pulled into their condemnations. He loved his way through the episode, not condemning the woman, yet not agreeing with her error either. In the end, when the men left embarrassed, Jesus told the woman to “sin no more.” He was correcting her behavior, but I’m sure with all the love he had shown up to that point, the woman felt better for the experience, and not downtrodden. I suppose this warrants another blog?!
Thanks for sharing.