After I graduated from college, I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to get married. And I could think of many reasons to never wed. The years before I met Kathy I was content being single.
I had a good job, a place to live, a zest for life, a bright future and plenty of activities to keep me occupied.
The idea of marriage occasionally blipped across my mental radar screen, but I didn’t think much about it. I was generally happy with who I was and what I could do as a single man. In fact, I was inclined to view marriage more of a shackle than a blessing to a life-trek of unbounded discovery and adventure. And even more, I found places in Scripture, especially in the writings of Paul, that argued against marriage, suggesting it was a major compromise of time, energy and attention that should otherwise be utilized to build up church and help others through ministry.
But as I matured a bit, settled into a work routine, established a home and saw many of my friends get married and have kids, a growing empty spot began to appear within that I hadn’t noticed before.
Big life-questions begged for answers.
Did I want to have kids in my family experience? I asked. Was living alone for decades okay? What about love? Was I going to find marriage’s promise of love, the blessings that come from giving and sharing unselfishly, fulfilled as fast while living single?
I knew all blessings come from God whether one is married or not. Marriage as a human institution is not the source of any blessing. It is blessed by the spirituality and love two people bring to it. On this point, I was clear. So I knew, theoretically, that I could find everything I needed to live a happy and full life while living single. That was a fact, I was confident.
But! And this was the biggest question of all…Would I find the blessings marriage promised faster living single and working it out with God alone, or would I find the blessings marriage promised faster by actually being married and working out these big questions of life with another person with whom I shared common values and ideals?
On this critical point, I was unclear. And I prayed hundreds of hours for a couple of years to find an answer.
I strove to understand the spiritual significance of marriage better.
I valued Mary Baker Eddy’s statement, “The scientific morale of marriage is spiritual unity” (SH 61:30). Marriage is not about sexual, emotional, financial, temporal, or human unity. It’s about spiritual unity.
The morale of marriage was about uniting with God, with divine Love, and demonstrating that unity in everyday life.
There are two great commandments in the Bible (Matt 22:37-39):
- Have one God, and love God with your whole heart, mind and soul.
- Love thy neighbor as thyself
Saying that you have one God, and love God, is one thing. Actually proving it through how you treat your neighbor is another. Both are critical to success in spirituality.
Christian Science is not about talk. It’s about walk. It’s not about talking about love and what it is. It’s about living the love and showing through words, actions and deeds, the true nature of love in how we treat others.
And this was the troubling part for me. The question, “Could I learn the lessons of Love faster single or married?” kept pressing for resolution.
Since I was single with absolutely no woman prospects on the horizon, I went on one or two dates after college, sort of, before I met Kathy. I decided to start living the “married life,” while single. I was a shy, introverted, quiet-keep-to-myself type of person. I know, I know, for any of you who see me speak in public, this may be hard to believe, but its’ true. I’ve come a long way since those early days in terms of expressing myself openly!
Anyway, back to the topic…I conscientiously and sincerely searched for ways to live Love better in my work, social contacts, church work, and community activities. I started living the love that marriage promised in my daily routine. And this made all the difference…
More tomorrow…
Marriage is such a complicated relationship, humanly. I love that you point out that it is about SPIRITUAL unity….
I found marriage to be a simple expected fact of life way before I became interested in C/S. I wasn’t afraid of it at all. My 1st marriage ended in the death of my wife after only 2 years of marriage. After the 1st year, when she tried suicide, I spent the last year of her life taking her to a Psyciatric hospital and seeing her every day, tied up, as protection to herself from attempting again. It made me more mature, for both of us were very young. My 2nd marriage also ended in death, but this time it was from a botched operation in the Hospital. If I relived my past, I would still get married again for I look at marriage as the best institution ever. Marriage builds one up to it’s spiritual lessons in which true love is realized.
I think making a conscious decision to be a loving person is rather like deciding from now on to be a wise person – it takes a more than a personal desire to pull it off, as you’ve found; although desire to express love and wisdom is good to petition for in our daily prayers. Gary
Thank you, Evan. This article gives me clarity about why I seem to have a sense of longing for a partner, while not really feeling lonely. I like the question you posed to yourself about how you could learn the lessons of Love faster. Can’t wait to read more!