I like being married. It has been very good for me.
One of the lessons of love I’ve learned over the years in having to work all things out with my wife is that love doesn’t try to change the other person.
I wish I had better understood this when we first got married. In the early days, the “growing up years,” one might say, it was tempting at times to pin fault or blame on the other when something didn’t go my way. If she would only change, or adopt a better attitude, or quit doing something, or understand me better, or…and the list would go on that justified continued suffering.
Does this sound familiar to anyone out there…??
Trials in marriage are healthy if we spiritually grow from them, and my goal was always to spiritually grow, to understand how to express love better, and be less selfish. I’ve had many opportunities, and am still learning!
But in recent years I’ve noticed a very profound and deepening peace in my marriage. It’s a peace that does not come overnight or by accident. It is the outcome of lessons learned well in the past, growing affection that is not conditional, and a lack of judgmentalism.
When we do not try to change each other, but honor what God has already put in place, things go much better.
Mortal mind often argues that we have to change our spouse before we can be happy in our marriage. This is such an illusion. It is misleading because it can be a relinquishment of responsibility for our own thinking and actions. It also puts our happiness at the mercy of another and can lead to a feeling of helplessness and even hopelessness. And not because it needs to be that way, but because we are ignorant, or unwilling to accept what we can do to improve the situation independent of what the other does or doesn’t do.
Rather than place blame, the more constructive course of action is to improve one’s view of the other. It’s a demoralized and low view that is getting in the way of seeing the good God put in our spouse. When we look at him or her from God’s point of view, we find wonderful qualities present that were not obvious before. Where we saw indifference, we may find care. Where we saw close-mindedness, we may find an open door. Where we found meanness, we might find kindness. Where we find stubbornness, willingness may appear. Spiritualization of thought can cause these glorious types of transformations to occur.
Every spouse is a child of God filled with a full complement of divine Love’s qualities. These virtues are not always obvious on the surface, but they are in there. And a willingness to look for them often finds them.
When we put personal offense aside, kick ego out of the picture, not react in anger or with resentment, and cease to hold grudges, it’s a sign that we’re growing up in love. We’re leaving the selfish ways of mortal mind behind and reaching out to something much better, to a love that endures. It’s a maturing love, a love that finds the good in the other, brings it out of them through kindness and goodwill, and improves the overall relationship without a taint of judgmentalism, harmful criticism or harsh comment.
Marriage can be a wonderful experience, and it’s best when unconditional, nonjudgmental love rules the relationship.
Well said. Love is there to give us new eyes and to transform base metal into gold.
A great message of love to hang onto, especially after the frenzy of Valentine’s Day. Just this morning I had an illustration of this. My wife snapped at me for something small, and resisting the temptation to respond in kind I instead spoke quietly…moments later she kissed me and asked for a “do-over”. This wasn’t her being wrong or me being nice; this was that setting personal sense aside by both of us that allowed Love to shine through.
Thanks, Evan.
Evan,
Thank you so much for this healing post. I need it much more than I would like to admit, even after a long-term marriage. I will use your thoughts as a template or guide for my own, to work out what feels like a very gnarly problem. Thanks to your clear explanation of the options, I will strive to exchange a limited, mortal belief for a more loving, pure, holy, and healing view. Bless you!
This is good but it assumes you married the right person. What do you do when the situation doesn’t change or get any better despite doing the things mentioned? A spouse that constantly lies to their partner is not an honest individual. How can you have a loving and open relationship with a dishonest person? You can see them as an honest person but if they don’t change the situation will not get any better. There’s a huge difference between a spouse that annoys you by leaving clothes in the hallway and one who cheats and/or lies to you. Should someone continue to be in such a relationship? I think when you have the spouse God intended, then yes this is excellent advice. If you married the wrong person, divorce is probably the only thing that will fix the situation.
To above,
There seem to be some ill-fated marriages where the two spouses don’t get their differences worked out. What to do is completely between them, and not up to any outside observer to decide.
But many severe shortcomings in spouses have been demonstrated over and marriages saved.
With your situation, I’d raise my expectation level about what scientific prayer can do. If you hold to the premise that your spouse is dishonest, and that’s the way he/she is going to stay, then, yes, the marriage would appear hopeless. But truth makes demands and effects improvements. Honesty and truth are synonymous. See your marriage as established on a rock of Truth and permeated by truth. And holding to a position of truth works both ways. Not only is it correct for your spouse to express truth, the truthful view of him/her is that truth is all they can express! Error cannot hide from truth or make a case against it. Truth brings dishonesty out from cover and dissolves it.
Truth is Love. But Truth is Principle too. They all work together to improve siutations like yours.
It would be a spiritually dishonest position on your part to believe that your marriage is hopelessly lost in dishonest charades.
Truth takes the incentive to be dishonest away from the liar, reveals the folly and suffering that it causes, and shows a better way.
No liar can stand for long in the presence of truth. Take a stand for truth, and do it with love. Incredible transformations can occur.
First and foremost, you are married to Truth. Bring that relationship into your human relationship, and your spouse will respond.
Hope that helps.
Wonderful ideas.
Any hope for a marriage “in the past”?
It lasted 44 years, and I’m now a widow; but I wish I could go BACK and be a better wife, a less judging person, more loving.
Too late?
We improve on the past by doing better today. That’s all we can do!
There is no memory of mistakes in the Mind of God. Just perfection in the here and now. As we increasingly live up to our spiritual individuality, shortcomings of the mortal past fade away into their native nothingness.