One of the more popular set of vows made by couples committing to marriage in a Christian ceremony includes words similar to these:
“I take thee to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live…”
What does it mean “to have and to hold?”
It certainly includes the obvious outward forms of love and support, such as being there in time of need, offering plenty of hugs and touches of affection that show care, nursing in times of sickness, rejoicing in times of success, and a steady constant presence that is not taken for granted even when home life is running smoothly.
But there’s more.
There’s a spiritual aspect to fulfilling the demands of “to have and to hold,” that transcends the physical, and can keep a marriage running much smoother. It’s about what we are holding in thought about our spouse.
In Christian Science, “To have and to hold,” could be rendered, “To have and to hold the right idea of my spouse as God’s expression of Love.” It may take practice, and great humility to do this successfully, but that’s what vows are for. To remind us to keep up the good work in the trying times as well as the easy times.
So, when your spouse is grumpy, that’s an opportunity “to have and to hold” him in his correct spiritual light, to see him the way God made him, as capable of expressing joy and gratitude, delight and charm. When your spouse is upset, that’s a perfect chance to see her in God’s light, as calmed and loved by God, and able to find quick peace with a solution that resolves the pressing issue. When your spouse is sick, that’s another opportunity to see them well in God’s likeness. And the list goes on.
“To have and to hold,” is to have and to hold the right idea of your spouse from God’s point of view. For success, it requires one to silence ego, shut down self-righteousness, release all harsh condemnation, and cease judging. But that’s okay. That amounts to healing for both sides.
So, what are you holding in thought about your spouse today? Is it uplifting? Is it having a positive effect? Is it strengthening and improving your marriage? Is it taking you and your spouse to a better place together as a couple?
“Jesus beheld in Science the perfect man, who appeared to him where sinning mortal man appears to mortals.” Mary Baker Eddy, Science and Health, p. 476.
Validity of a contract requires unity of thought by the parties regarding the terms of agreement. In other words. the same is true with carrying out the vows given at the time of marriage. We are held to the terms of Love: to always love one another. By doing so, we fulfill, daily, and gratefully, the terms of contract. Thank you so much, Evan. So very practical, yet beautiful, the canvass we paint together.
As we are learning about our true identity we claim it everywhere;our spouse, co worker, children, pets. It has been difficult to hang onto the truth when a spouse can continue with behavior, hypnotized under its ‘spell’,behavior so un-Godlike and harmful. We can reject the behavior, get out of the way by removing oneself, still hanging on to the truth of our being. I have so many many times entered that world of lies trying to correct or save to no avail. And yet I also have many hours of heartfelt thanks and gratefulness from my spouse that I have stood steady and lifted ‘all boats’ despite his behavior. I am not married to lies. Who is our true spouse? I have learned you cannot work on a marriage but on yourself, and bring that understanding to a marriage. And when I am moved by lies, it is painful but a reminder to me that there is some lie I am still holding on to. To have and to hold is to hold one another in Truth in consciousness.
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I especially love this concept, Evan: “’To have and to hold,’ is to have and to hold the right idea of your spouse from God’s point of view.” Thanks so much. It’s so practical!
Evan! I was mentally kneeling with gratitude for this most meaningful post. Thank you a million times over!
Nadine what a beautiful and clear addition to Evan’s post. Thank you dear friend.
With so much love for the blessings received….
Nadine, want to add that I felt your beautiful, pure heart in reading your words. Such an inspiration. God’s blessings are so with you. X
This is helpful also for grown children.
It shows how to move forward in the face of situations or “lies,” as Nargish puts it, involving our loved ones. Thanks to Nargish for her humble testimony of persistence and her husband’s grateful recognition of her spiritual steadiness over time.
Thanks to Evan for this blog, your lectures, and your faithful, fearless and certain support when called. It has proven to be the bright light on our family’s path, revealing progress amid challenges that seemed incurable.
Correction, I meant Nadine. So sorry for the mistake!
Beautifully expressed Evan.
To have and to hold the right concept of your dear ones, what a wonderful idea! I love the way you take everyday things (like marriage vows) and teach spiritual lessons from them, much the way Jesus taught from parables. You make spirituality something practical, Evan. Thank you!
Thanks for the insights on “to have and to hold”. It is so important to see that spiritual man which Jesus saw so clearly especially when situations want to paint a different picture. As others mentioned this “clearer view” of God’s man really extends to not only our spouse but to all those whom we hold dear.
Thank You, Evan! Yes, what we hold in our Hearts is so important! And sometimes, it does seem right to separate ourselves from another, to divorce, and move on. And that is just okay, too. Our God will guide each of us in just the right way. “I will follow and rejoice, all the rugged way.” Life’s Journey is not always smooth, but it always bring spiritual growth and hidden Blessings! Rejoicing all the way……!!
“To have and to hold” only right ideas about my dear spouse – this is divine guidance that I will not quickly forget. What a wonderful anniversary gift – thank you dear Evan!
You are right about it taking gobs of humility to see your spouse in a spiritual light! Thanks for the good reminder. Now can I go and yell at my husband once more because he forgot to clean the cat box?
yes! I find this helps with grown children so much as well. … thanks for the reminder for our spouses….. as I had just walked away from a meal with mine staring at his phone….. & this helped me laughed…….. it is so easy to think of him as God’s expression because he exudes these qualities all day long!!
Thanks, Evan, and to all of those who have commented. I might add to Bevi’s comment regarding the necessity sometimes of divorce, and a perspective to another part of the oath quoted, “for better or for worse.” It doesn’t clarify how worse, and as such, I had it deleted from my marriage vows. As a worse case scenario , if a husband is sexually assaulting one’s children it certainly would be wise not to continue that marriage relationship.
“To have and to hold” our friends and other family members too! And everyone in the world! Wow, how far reaching this is! Thank you, Evan!
Thank you for this very timely blog post! I’m getting married this weekend, so will definitely share with my soon to be spouse.
And I like to remember that God is the husband, God is the wife!
Thanks to Evan and all the dear commenters.
Thank you for the wonderful posting on marriage, Evan, and also thank you to all the commenters!
Excellent, Evan. What a great thought to share!
As time goes by, like 52 years, the stronger this need is most helpful. A timely reminder and deep spiritual growth. Thanks!
Thank you for this article. Also, thank you to the commenters, particularly Nadine. It is most helpful to know that others are able to address marital challenges lovingly and effectively through Spirit.